Prisoner
by writingisjustwhatido
Summary: Peeta's hijacking has left him not knowing what is real and what isn't.  It has also made him hate Katniss more than anything.  But deep down there is something more he feels for her.


**A/N This was originally meant to go with the song Prisoner by Needtobreathe but can't because of copyright. So at the part where I had intended for it to go I just wrote the song title. When you get to that place go look up the song and read the lyrics. Even if you had already heard the song it makes the story much more powerful if you read the lyrics again alongside it.**

Why wouldn't they just kill me? I slammed my head against the wall. The padding kept me from achieving the physical pain I had been hoping for. They could lock me up in this padded room like a mental patient. They could watch me every second of every day, monitoring each action. They could take everything from me, including my own thoughts. So why couldn't they just kill me?

Because that would be the humane thing to do, the fair thing. And nothing, absolutely nothing, about my life was fair. Was it fair to be tortured? Poisons that would kill me but made me wish for the mercy of death. Is that fair? Burning me, searing off my flesh and then rubbing salt into the blistering skin. Hundreds of needles driven into me all at the same time, in my eyelids, under my nails, everywhere. Starving me, leaving me in complete darkness. Locking me in confined spaces with rats, snakes, spiders, all genetically altered to be even more terrifying. Beating me whenever the guards felt like it, until my skin was a mottled green, yellow, and purple from bruises that ran together and never healed. Things too horrible to put into words. Things that caused my throat to be permanently raw from the screams. Things that left my ears ringing from the screams of the other prisoners. All to get information I never even had.

Oh, if that wasn't enough fun for one person, the Capital made sure to include the tracker-jackers. A specially designed procedure called hijacking that's purpose is to take every memory I had and turn it into something so terrifying I wasn't out of my own head. It was really quite a scientific process according to the doctors who are keeping me locked up in District 13. It's amazing how it was designed to pinpoint the exact places in the brain that control fear. Yes, I'm in awe. I bow down at the feet of the creator. I'm forever thankful to them for making every minute a nightmare. For leaving me without knowing what's real and what's a product of the hijacking.

I let out a scream. It is a primal, animal sound. Perhaps someone else would be surprised such a sound could come from them. But after my stay in the Capital I've learned a lot about screams. And pain. Anger, fear, darkness, helplessness. Oh yes I know what that is like. A doctor walks into the room carrying a tray of food and medicine. My mind shuts down and the venom takes over. He's here to kill me. I have to kill him first or I will die. He wants to take everything I love. I lunge to rip out his throat with my bare hands.

Three pairs of cold strong hands grab me from behind, holding me back. I am about to overwhelm all of them when I feel a sharp pain in my arm. Cool liquid seeps through my veins. I fight to keep my eyes open but soon slump to the ground unconscious. It's much later when the blackness lifts and I've come back around. Restraints have been attached to my bed. Pressing me down so I can't attack anyone else. It's like that every time. I don't know what's happening and I can't fight it. The smallest thing triggers the tracker-jacker venom. It's like a part of my mind that hadn't existed before the hijacking takes over and controls me. It was like that with Katniss.

Katniss. I actually growl, a guttural, wild sound, at the mere thought of her name. The one responsible for all this pain. She killed my family. She destroyed my district. She's the reason they tortured me. She wants me dead. I have to kill her first. All I see is red. I struggle against my restraints. The anger I feel surging trough me adds to my strength. I succeed in ripping one of my arms completely free before I am injected again. Once more I try to fight the sleep but it is pointless.

Presently, I become aware of the world again. I feel calmer. Whatever medicine they forced into me had a soothing effect. My mind flies to Katniss and the animal side of me tries to take over. But the medication keeps it suppressed. The venom seems strongest, most intense, with Katniss. The doctors here tell me that's what the Capital had intended. But logic can't reach me. Now while I am under the influence of the medicine, I am able to think about her without the urge to find and kill becoming too much for me to handle. Right now I can try and tell myself that she didn't actually destroy everything that matters to me, that she isn't trying to kill me. But the littlest thing can set off the venom, send me back to that dark place where the only thing I can do is protect myself from all the people who want to end me.

But sometimes there is something, albeit very small, mixed in with all the hatred I feel for her. It confuses me, frightens me, and I have tried desperately to figure it out. With a shock I discover it is love. I hate her with everything I am, with every fiber of my being. I want to destroy her before she can cause me more harm. But the love, even if it is so weak, especially in the face of my rage, is still there. I lift my head and smash it down against the bed. How can I love her and yet fear and despise her so much? Why is this happening to me? Have I not suffered enough?

Prisoner

Again I let lose a horrible scream. It is full of angst, frustration, and confusion. Why me? Katniss is my worst enemy. I never thought it was possible to hate someone the way I hate her. My only goal is to kill her. And yet I know now, that as hard as I try, as hard as the inhuman side of me pushes, I will never be able to escape her.


End file.
